Helping Your Friends Help You During Your Cancer Treatment

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends. --Czech Proverb

Once friends learn of your cancer, they may begin to worry. Some will ask you to tell them ways to help. Others will wonder how they can help but may not know how to ask. You can help your friends cope with the news by letting them help you in some way. 


Think about the things your friends do well and don't mind doing. Make a list of things you think you might need. This way, when they ask you how they can be of help, you'll be able to share your list of needs and allow them to pick something they're willing to do.


Sample list of need:

• Baby-sit on days that I go to treatment.
• Prepare frozen meals for my "down days."
• Put my name on the prayer list at my place of worship.
• Bring me a few books from the library when you go.
• Visit for tea or coffee when you can.
• Let others know that it is alright to call or visit me (or let others know that I'm not ready for visitors just yet).

Family Matters: Talking to Your Elderly Parent About Your Cancer

Since people are living much longer these days, many people with cancer may also be caring for their aging parents. For example, you may help your parents with their shopping or take them to doctor. Your aging parents may even live with you.

You have to decide how much to tell your parents about your cancer. Your decision may depend on how well your parents can understand and cope with the news. If your parents are in good health, think about talking with them about your disease.

Now that you have cancer, you may need extra help caring for your parents. You may need help only while you are in treatment. Or you may need to make long-term changes in your parents' care. Talk with your family members, friends, health professionals, and community agencies to see how they can help.



Summing Up: Cancer and Your Family

Cancer will not only change your life, but also the lives of those around you. It impacts families and friends in different ways. Talking about cancer can be hard for some families. Routines of family life may change. Roles and duties within the family will change. Relationships can be both strained and strengthened. Dealing with money and insurance often become hard. You may need to change where you live and with whom, at least for a while. As you think about how cancer has changed your life and your family's life, think about reaching outside your family to get help. You may need help with household chores and errands. Respite care can give your regular caregivers a much-needed break. Counseling and support groups can help your family deal with the issues that cancer raises. Most families find that being honest and open about the cancer, about the problems that arise, and about their feelings, helps them handle the changes that cancer causes.

Family Matters: Talking To Adult Children About Cancer

Your relationship with your adult children may change now that you have cancer. You may:

• Ask them to take on new duties, such as making health care decisions, paying bills, or taking care of the house.
• Ask them to explain some of the information you've received from your doctor or to go with you to doctor's visits so they can also hear what the doctors are telling you.
• 
  
• Rely on them for emotional support. For instance, you may ask them to act as "go-betweens" with friends or other family members.
• Want them to spend a lot of time with you. This can be hard, especially if they have jobs or young families of their own.
• Find it hard to receive--rather than give--comfort and support from them.
• Feel awkward when they help with your physical care, such as feeding or bathing.

As the adult daughter of a woman with ovarian cancer said,

"Mom was always the rock in the family. Whenever any of us had a problem, we could go to her for help. Now we had to help her. It was almost as though we were the parents and she was the child. To make it even harder, we had our own children to take care of and jobs to go to."

Talking With Your Adult Children

It is important to talk about cancer with your adult children, even if they get upset or worry about you. Include them when talking about your treatment. Let them know your thoughts and wishes. They should be prepared in case you don't recover from your cancer.

Even adult children worry that their parents will die. When they learn that you have cancer, adult children may realize how important you are to them. They may feel guilty if they haven't been close with you. They may feel bad if they cannot spend a lot of time with you because they live far away or have other duties. Some of these feelings may make it harder to talk to your adult children. If you have trouble talking with your adult children, ask your doctor or nurse to suggest a counselor you can all talk with.

Make the most of the time you have with your adult children. Talk about how much you mean to each other. Express all your feelings--not just love but also anxiety, sadness, and anger. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. It's better to share your feelings rather than hide them.

One who conceals grief finds no remedy for it. --Turkish Proverb

Cancer Risk for the Children of People Who Have Cancer

Now that you have cancer, your children may wonder about their chance of getting it as well. A higher risk for some types of cancer is passed from parent to child. However, this is not the case for every type. And everyone's body is different. If concerned, however, children should talk with a doctor about their risk of getting cancer.

Testing for certain genes can be a way to find out if a person is at higher risk of getting cancer. 

Although some genetic tests can be helpful, they don't always give people the kinds of answers they are seeking. Talk to your doctor if you or someone in your family wants to learn more about genetic changes that increase cancer risk.. He or she can refer you to a person who is specially trained in this area. These experts can help you think through your choices and answer your questions.

Family Matters: Talking To Your Children About Cancer

Even though your children will be sad and upset when they learn about your cancer, do not pretend that everything is okay. Even very young children can sense when something is wrong. They will see that you don't feel well or aren't spending as much time with them as you used to. They may notice that you have a lot of visitors and phone calls or that you need to be away from home for treatment and doctor's visits.

What the family talks about in the evening, the child will talk about in the morning. --Kenyan Proverb

Telling Children About Cancer

Children as young as 18 months old begin to think about and understand what is going on around them. It is important to be honest and tell your children that you are sick and the doctors are working to make you better. Telling them the truth is better than letting them imagine the worst. Give your children time to ask questions and express their feelings. And if they ask questions that you can't answer, let them know that you will find out the answers for them.

When you talk with your children, use words and terms they can understand. For example, say "doctor" instead of "oncologist" or "medicine" instead of "chemotherapy." Tell your children how much you love them and suggest ways they can help with your care. Share books about cancer that are written for children. Your doctor, nurse, or social worker can suggest good ones for your child.

Let other adults in your children's lives know about your cancer. This includes teachers, neighbors, coaches, or other relatives who can spend extra time with them. These other adults may be able to take your children to their activities, as well as listen to their feelings and concerns. Your doctor or nurse can also help by talking with your children and answering their questions. Or you can ask them if there's a child-life specialist on staff. This is a person who can help children understand medical issues and also offer psychological and emotional support.

How Children May React

Children can react to cancer in many different ways. For example, they may:

• be confused, scared, or lonely
• feel guilty and think that something they did or said caused your cancer
• feel angry when they are asked to be quiet or do more chores around the house
• miss the amount of attention they are used to getting
• regress and behave as they did when they were much younger
• get into trouble at school or at home
• be clingy and afraid to leave the house

"Now that my Mom has cancer, everything has changed. I want to be with her, but I want to hang out with my friends, too. She needs me to help with my little brother, but what I really want to do is play football like I used to."

Teenagers and a Parent's Cancer

Teens are at a time in their lives when they are trying to break away and be independent from their parents. When a parent has cancer, breaking away can be hard for them to do. They may become angry, act out, or get into trouble.

Try to get your teens to talk about their feelings. Tell them as much as they want to know about your cancer. Ask them for their opinions and, if possible, let them help you make decisions.

Teens may want to talk with other people in their lives. Friends can be a great source of support, especially those who also have serious illness in their family. Other family members, teachers, coaches, and spiritual leaders can also help. 

Encourage your teenage children to talk about their fears and feelings with people they trust and feel close to. Some towns even have support groups for teens whose parents have cancer. Also, ask your social worker about Internet resources for this group. Many have online chats and forums for support. 

What children of all ages need to know: About cancer Nothing your child did, thought, or said caused you to get cancer. You can't catch cancer from another person. Just because you have cancer does not mean that others in your family will get it, too. Just because you have cancer does not mean you will die from it. In fact, many people live with cancer for a long time. Scientists are finding many new ways to treat cancer. About living with cancer in the family Your child is not alone. Other children have parents who have cancer. It is okay to be upset, angry, or scared about your illness. Your child can't do anything to change the fact that you have cancer. Family members may act differently because they are worried about you. You will make sure that your children are taken care of, no matter what happens to you. About what they can do They can help you by doing nice things like washing dishes or drawing you a picture. They should still go to school and take part in sports and other fun activities. They can talk to other adults such as teachers, family members, and religious leaders.

Intimacy & Cancer: That Thing Called Love

At some point, when you are feeling better from your  treatments, you and your partner or spouse may be ready for intimacy. Often, as we all know, even on a good day, we don’t always have feelings of desire at the same time.  It is no different when you are dealing with cancer. It helps  to have open lines of communication. Your partner may  be concerned that voicing a wish to be intimate again will be a source of stress and upset for both of you.

Tell your  partner how you are feeling about intimacy and just as important, let him/her share their feelings with you. Invite  them to ask questions. Many partners need reassurance that the person with cancer still has an interest in being intimate, and vice versa. Remember, intimacy isn’t only about physical attraction but how you and your partner or spouse thinks about your relationship together.

If you have advanced or metastatic thyroid cancer and are undergoing chemotherapy or radiation  treatment, ask your doctor or nurse when it is safe for you to be sexually active. This requires that your blood chemistry be at values that insure you have enough red, white and platelet blood cells.

If you are undergoing chemotherapy or radiation therapy always use a barrier when having sex. This most often is  a condom but can also be a dental dam that covers the vaginal wall. Barriers also protect both genders from any source of infection and women from pregnancy.


Consider different types of sexual expression other than  those that require penetration. Sensual massage focusing  on the whole body as well as the genitals is a safe alternative.  If you are a women who has trouble lubricating, ask your  oncologist or gynecologist to suggest different lubricants and moisturizers that do not contain any of the forms of estrogen.  If you are a man having trouble getting an erection, ask  your oncologist or urologist to prescribe an appropriate  erectile dysfunction medication.

If you find it difficult to have an open conversation about intimacy with your loved one consider couple’s counseling to help you both learn to cope.

Family Matters: Spouses and Partners

"I was very scared when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  He had always taken care of me and we did everything together. I was afraid I simply wouldn't  be strong enough to help him through his treatment. I was so afraid that he might not recover, and I was also afraid to talk with him about my fears because I didn't want to upset him."  

Your husband, wife, or partner may feel just as scared by cancer as you do. You both may feel anxious, helpless, or afraid. You may find it hard to be taken care of by someone you love.

People react to cancer in different ways. Some cannot accept that cancer is a serious illness. Others try too hard to be "perfect" caregivers. And some people refuse to talk about cancer. For most people, thinking about the future is scary.

It helps if you and the people close to you can talk about your fears and concerns. You may want to meet with a counselor who can help both of you talk about these feelings.

Sharing Information

Including your spouse or partner in treatment decisions is important. You can meet with your doctor together and learn about your type of cancer. You might want to find out about common symptoms, treatment choices, and their side effects. This information will help both of you plan for the future.

Your spouse or partner will also need to know how to help take care of your body and your feelings. And, even though it's not easy, both of you should think about the future and make plans in case you don't survive your cancer. You may find it helpful to meet with a financial planner or a lawyer.

Staying Close

Everyone needs to feel needed and loved. You may have always been the "strong one" in your family, but now is the time to let your spouse or partner help you. This can be as simple as letting the other person fluff your pillow, bring you a cool drink, or read to you.

Feeling sexually close to your partner is also important. You may not be interested in sex when you're in treatment because you feel tired, sick to your stomach, or in pain. But when your treatment is over, you may feel like having sex again. Until then, you and your spouse or partner may need to find new ways to show that you care about each other. This can include touching, holding, hugging, and cuddling.

Time Away

Your spouse or partner needs to keep a sense of balance in his or her life. He or she needs time to take care of personal chores and errands. Your partner will also need time to sort through his or her own feelings about cancer. And most importantly, everyone needs time to rest. If you don't want to be alone when your loved one is away, think about getting respite care or asking a friend to stay with you. 

Family Matters: Changes to Roles in the Family

When someone in a family has cancer, everyone takes on new roles and responsibilities. For example, a child may be asked to do more chores or a spouse or partner may need to help pay bills, shop, or do yard work. Family members sometimes have trouble adjusting to these new roles.

Adjusting to Your New Situation

Many families have trouble getting used to the role changes that may be required when a loved one has cancer.

Money. Cancer can reduce the amount of money your family has to spend or save. If you're not able to work, someone else in your family may feel that he or she needs to get a job. You and your family may need to learn more about health insurance and find out what will be covered and what you need to pay for. Most people find it stressful to keep up with money matters. 

Living arrangements. People with cancer sometimes need to change where they live or whom they live with. Now that you have cancer, you may need to move in with someone else to get the care you need. This can be hard because you may feel that you are losing your independence, at least for a little while. Or, you may need to travel far from home for treatment. If you have to be away from home for treatments take a few little things from home with you. This way, there will be something familiar even in a strange place.

Daily activities. You may need help with duties such as paying bills, cooking meals, or coaching your children's teams. Asking others to do these things for you can be hard. A young father in treatment for colon cancer said,

"When I came home from the hospital, I wanted to be in charge again but simply didn't have the energy. It was so hard to ask for help! It was easier to accept help when I realized that my kids felt that they were contributing to my recovery."

Developing a Plan

Even when others offer to help, it's important to let people know that you can still do some things for yourself. As much as you're able, keep up with your normal routine by making decisions, doing household chores, and working on hobbies that you enjoy.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Think about hiring someone or asking for a volunteer. You might be able to find a volunteer through groups in your community.

Paid help or volunteers may be able to help with:

• physical care, such as bathing or dressing
• household chores, such as cleaning or food shopping
• skilled care, such as giving you special feedings or medications

Respite care. Just as you need time for yourself, your family members also need time to rest, have fun, and take care of their other duties. Respite care is a way people can get the time they need. In respite care, someone comes to your home and takes care of you while your family member goes out for a while. Let your doctor or social worker know if you want to learn more about respite care. 

Learning You Have Cancer: Family Matters

Cancer will change your life and the lives of people around you. Your routines may be altered. Roles and duties may change. Relationships can be strained or strengthened. Dealing with money and insurance can cause problems. You may need to live with someone else for a while. You may need help with chores and errands. Most people find that if they, their friends, and family talk about the cancer and how it makes them feel, they feel closer to each other.

Families are not all alike. Your family may include a spouse (husband or wife), children, and parents. Or maybe you think of your partner or close friends as your family. In this book, "family" refers to you and those who love and support you.

Cancer affects the whole family, not just the person with the disease. How are the people in your family dealing with your cancer? Maybe they are afraid or angry, just like you.

When you first find out you have cancer and are going through treatments, day-to-day routines may change for everyone. For example, someone in your family may need to take time off work to drive you to treatments. You may need help with chores and errands.

How your family reacts to your cancer may depend a lot on how you've faced hard times in the past.

Some families find it easy to talk about cancer. They may easily share their feelings about the changes that cancer brings to their lives. Other families find it harder to talk about cancer. The people in these families may be used to solving problems alone and not want to talk about their feelings.

Families that have gone through divorce or had other losses may have even more trouble talking about cancer. As one woman with advanced thyroid cancer said,

"Talking about my cancer was rough at first. My husband and I divorced five years ago, so my mom had to move in and help me with the boys. Eventually, I was able to tell my ex-husband about my cancer, and he helped the boys understand. Our family has been through a lot, and we'll get through this, too. To me, the only constant in life is change."

If your family is having trouble talking about feelings, think about getting some help. Your doctor or nurse can refer you to a counselor who can help people in your family talk about what cancer means to them. Many families find that, even though it can be hard to do, they feel close to each other when they deal with cancer together.

Do's and Don't For Family, Caregivers & Loved One's

As a single mother of a teenage thyroid cancer patient and going through the cancer experience myself I often found it hard to talk frankly to family and friends about what we were going through or how I wish they would help. I knew that some of my friends and her friends couldn't emotionally or intellectually handle the situation and they never called us, and I found that people we hardly knew before become our best friends and helpers. 


Overtime I learned to understand that often family and friends just don't know the right thing to say to or do for a cancer family. The following is a collection of the do's I don't I wish someone had shared with me, my family and friends when cancer came interrupting our lives. 

• Do let your loved one know from time to time that you are there to help.
• Don’t call five times a day to remind him or her!
• Do give your loved one a positive, upbeat face whenever you see him or her.
• Don’t come across as terrified. It will only bring about anxiety for the cancer patient.
• Do let your loved one know you are concerned for his or her well-being.
• Don’t call three times a day to ask, “How are you feeling now?”
• Do give your loved one “alone time”  he or she needs it!
• Don’t insist on being with him or her every waking minute, or your relationship may not be able to take it. (Everyone gets a little grumpy when they are not feeling well. Don’t take it personally.)
• Do take advantage of the many support groups for family and friends.
• Don’t lean on your loved one alone to help you get through your difficult time with his/her illness.
• Do bring gifts such as magazines, CDs, books of inspiration, puzzle books, comfort food, delicious treats, fragrance-free candles and lotions, teas, movies, a soft zip-front track suit, loungewear, pajamas, a robe, slippers, and new bedding.
• Don’t bring anything that has a fragrance or scent it can bring on nausea.
• And yes!! You can come over and clean the house, do the dishes, cut the grass, walk the dog and keep take the "other" family members out for some fun. God knows they need a break too!

About The Author: Wilma Ariza is the Founder and Development Director of Stevie JoEllie's Cancer Care Fund a Project of United Charitable Programs Inc., a 501(c)(3) Public Charity Tax ID 20-4286082 Progam 102442. In 2008 her daughter Stevie JoEllie was diagnosed with State II Follicular Thyroid Cancer a few weeks after her 21st Birthday

Emotional Effects of Cancer

Feeling sad or anxious about having cancer? Or maybe you are feeling lost and confused about the end of treatment? Cancer affects your body and your mind, and it even impacts your family and friends. Where can you turn to or help?

Whether you are recently diagnosed, completing treatment, or dealing with advanced cancer, there are resources to assist you in dealing with the emotional burden of cancer and it's impact on your life.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I NEED HELP?

If you can relate to any of the following experiences and they have a significant impact on you or your family, you would likely benefit from seeking help:

• Sadness or loss of interest in activities
• Loss of motivation 
• Feelings of helplessness
• Irritability
• Anxiety or worry
• Feelings of numbness
• Confusion or loss of meaning in your life
• Excessive anger or guilt
• Difficulty concentrating
• Trouble making decisions
• Trouble sleeping
• Changes in appetite and/or energy levels
• Increased use of alcohol
• New or increased use of "recreational" drugs
• A prior history of mental health or emotional issues

HOW CAN A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL HELP?

Mental health professionals can include clinical psychologists, psychiatrists, clinical social workers, psychiatric nurses and other professionals such as support group facilitators / moderators. These individuals are trained to help people adjust to the challenges life throws at them, including cancer. In some cases, mental health professionals are specifically trained to work with people who have cancer.

Psychologists and psychiatrists are also trained to work with and help those with more severe mental health problems, which ofte arise during, or are exacerbated by, a stressful illness or a life threatening condition such as cancer.  Even if you are not experiencing a serious mental health condition, you may desire to maintain or enhance your sense of purpose or menaing in life, improve your quality of life despite cancer or seek personal growth. In any of these cases working with a mental health professional would be a valuable personal experience.

WHAT TYPES OF MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE FOR CANCER PATIENTS ? 

Mental health professionals provide an array of services ranging from groups to individual therapy, mental health medication management, individual, couples and family counseling or support groups. For example, many hospitals, nonprofit organizations, libraries or churches offer support groups for cancer patients and  survivors  which allows them to interact with other people familiar with the cancer experience journey.

Some offer groups with more specific focuses, such as stress management, coping skills training,  and dealing with anxiety or loss (bereavement groups) while others focus on enhancing meaning in your life through spiritual growth or hobbies. However, you may prefer individual therapy where you can focus more on your own specific needs and goals or personal issues. Given the impact cancer can have on a family and loved ones, you may find couple's or family therapy a great setting for learning coping with cancer strategies together.  

HOW DO I SEEK HELP?

If you think you might benefit from working with a mental health professional or support group there are several steps you can take. If you are currently receiving treatment or follow up care for cancer, talk to your nurse or doctor. Let them know how you are feeling or that you want a referral for counseling or a support group.  Some cancer centers have mental health professionals as part of the treatment team. If this is not the case, your healthcare provider can help you find a suitable organization or healhcare professional  in the community who can provide services tailored  to your needs and financial situation.  Your treatment team may also guide you to support groups or there may be flyers or pamphlets posted at your treatment site. 

There are also very helpful and useful internet resources that provide links to support networks and cancer specific patient information. These include the American Cancer Society (http://www.cancer.org/)  and the National Cancer Institute (www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/coping). If you are a thyroid cancer patient or survivor we have a list of Thyroid Cancer specific resources listed in our Resources Page and or you can email us  sjccfthynet@gmail.com with your request for additional information.

If you find that you or a loved one is troubled by any of the concerns mentioned above, it is central to your health and wellbeing or your loved ones that you talk to your treatment team or current healthcare provider about these issues without delay. Lastly, it is important to note that if you or someone you love have any severe thoughts of self-harm, you call 911 or go immediately to the nearest emergency.

Cancer is a life altering experience. It has an impact on your physical health, but it can also affect your emotional well being. You are not alone in your feelings: many cancer survivors, including I, experience these changes. However, there is hope for emotional recovery and growth, and you can take control by seeking the help you need today. 

FIND US ON FACEBOOK:  www.facebook.com/sjccfhynet

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER: http://twitter.com/sjccfthynet

Yes, It's Cancer: Important To Do List.

Even healthy people need to plan for their future. Look at this task (planning for the days, weeks and months ahead) as nothing more than organizing your closet. You simply don’t want to do it, but it needs to get done. And once it’s organized, you will be relieved you have completed this task.

A good suggestion is to take care of the following task list when you are feeling good and healthy. The following tasks list might be difficult to read, digest, accept and do. This list  was not  easy for me to write when I was diagnosed with my cancer. But I know that these tasks are necessary and important. It’s a fact of life that we will all die someday.  I can’t help but look at the silver lining in everything I do that is unpleasant, sad or difficult. So here is my own two cents…Some people never get the chance for closure. As cancer patients we have the option. The  checklist below is an opportunity to make important decisions so our loved ones don’t have to guess or make difficult decisions for us.

Designate a  healthcare proxy. 

• A living will allows you to convey your wishes on paper regarding treatment when youcannot personally communicate those wishes.
• A medical power of attorney allows you to designate someone to make healthcare decisions for you when you are unable to do so. 

Ask your doctor or the patient advocate at the hospital or cancer treatment center to help you learn more about how to make  these arrangements.

Make an appointment with an attorney to create or  update your will.

Give your caregiver or  family member a power of attorney to make financial decisions if you are unable to make  them.

Make sure you know what is covered under your health insurance policy, including palliative or hospice care.

Talk to your employer about your current health status and inquire about disability coverage.

Update your life insurance policy and make sure it is signed by a lawyer and/or a witness.

Make sure your doctors and loved ones have written directions that describe your wishes, including organ donation.

Write down all your banking and life insurance policy information and the location of your safe deposit box and keys. 

Also write down your passwords to your cell phone, email, and online accounts so that your loved one can manage these should it be necessary.

Chronic Illness: Dealing with the Day to Day Challenges

Illness can sneak into your life like a whisper of waves in the distance you barely hear, or hit you like an eathquake. Either way, you may suffer a gauntlet of pain, fear, frustration and isolation. In a country as robust as the United States, it's hard to believe that one in every three people has a chronic illness, but it's true. According to the National Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, These illnesses cause major problems in daily living for more than one in 10 Americans -- about 30 million people!

The biggest disabler is arthritis, followed by back pain. Five others --heart disease, cancer and/or it's treatment complications, stroke, chronic lung disease and diabetes -- account for more than two thirds of all U.S. deaths. Mental health illnesses, add a huge tool. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that about one in five adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in any given year such as  anxiety, depression and post traumatic stress disorders related to chronic illness and it's day to day challenges. 

Four of the 10 leading causes of disability are mental health disorders:  major  depression, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia and obssesive compulsive disorder. Vast numbers of people go untreated, even though effective treatments are available. In this blog post I am sharing a few things that helped me through my private journey with chronic illness (mixed connective tissue disease, spinal chord injury and cancer) and it's sidekicks; anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress disorder. 

Mixed connective tissue disease is a difficult to diagnose auto-immune disorder. After 10 years of declining health, seemingly unrelated symptons, doctors, hospitals, diagnostic tests and specialist consultations I finally received my diagnos at age 35, but it took 6 years of searching to discover a combination of treatments that worked for me. And then on my 41st birthday I received the gift of cancer!

The past 7 years have been a whirlwind of doctors, hospitals and medical drama, not only was I diagnosed with a chronic illness and a potentially deadly disease, my then teenage son (a star athlete and honor roll student) suffered a traumatic brain injury, my father was diagnosed with stage IV leiomyosarcoma (we provided hospice care at home for him), my childrens' father was diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer and my daughter was diagnosed with stage II thyroid cancer a few weeks after her 21st birthday and days after one of my major surgeries.

Most of that time,  I was unable to work,  spent most of my time in bed and disabled, plundering away my life savings on healthcare costs and, as a single mother, supporting my children through their own healthcare crisis journey.  Not exactly the most ideal circumstances for the necessary rest and relaxation we all hear about is essential for recovery and peace of mind. Yet I endured, recovered and here I am! Whatever your own situation, you can help yourself feel empowered, serene and hopeful about the future.

DO SOME HOMEWORK

Even if doctors could know everything that you should know about your illness, they would never, ever have the time to tell you. Doctors work in an increasingly complex medical system that often pressures them with conflicting demands and ever increasing regulations and paperwork. Patients on the other hand, can get health information more quickly (and cheaply) than ever before.

Thanks to the internet, anyone today can get excellent, easy to understand and up to date material about practically any health problem. Unfortunately, many of the sickest people - particularly the elderly, the poor and members of some minorities - are least likely to have computer skills and internet access.  If you are one of these people (or you know someone facing a chronic health challenge) you don't have to be shut out. Ask for (or give) a helping hand.

Any religious congregation with a youth group is likely to have computer savvy teens who would be happy to make a few dollars or volunteer an hour or two to do some simple internet searches and print out results for you.  Or you might find a college student  by posting a notice on a campus bulletin board. You could also try calling social service agencies or public libraries. Commercial internet booksellers  are also searchable by topic and can be invaluable in identifying and obtaining the latest books, audiotapes, and videos  by professionals and patients. Many used books are for sale at discount prices or are available at your local library.

CULTIVATE YOUR SPIRITUALITY

Illness, like rain,  falls on people in every possible spiritual state. Revitalizing  your spirit and deepening your spiritual life may be the door to becoming whole and well. It really made a difference in my personal journey. f you are active in a religious community, it may have a special healing ministry or literature. If you're too sick to seek it out or participate, ask for help or set a goal to get yourself well enough to show up. And don't underestimate the power of simply telling God that you hurt, you're afraid and you need His help. It can be one of the most effective prayers you ever make.

In the Christian faith, the healing ministry of Jesus communicates clearly the desire of God for people to be well. Yet Jesus' willingness to die and His resurrection dramatize that life on earth is not the ultimate goal or the greatest gift of His love.  None of us is here to stay. If illness is threatening your life (as it did mine and the lives of those I love most),  you believe you will always be sick or you know factually you will be (as is the case with certain illnesses) spiritual renewal can give your days meaning when otherwise they migh have none.

LEVEL WITH YOURSELF

When I learned that I had mixed connective tissue disease, I also learned that most experts in this condition recommend some form of daily exercise, indirect sunlight 15-30 minutes a day and lots of vitamins (particularly B12, Folic Acid and C-Complex). With increasing difficulty breathing, excruciating  muscle pain, joint sweeling and extreme fatigue the prospect of daily exercise seemed daunting but I resolved to do what needed to be done and enrolled at the local YMWCA for a "senior" Aqua Exercise Class made some new friends and began driving a group of my "young at heart" friends to Garrett Mountain twice a week for nature walks! 

Once I was diagnosed with cancer and began treatment  "brain fog", a common side effect and sometimes long term complicaton of chemotherapy, in which the mind always feels desperately tired and thoughts are perpetually gauzy, had become a daily problem  the idea of driving to the YMWCA for aqua exercises or anywhere for that matter  was a scary and dangerous proposition. The solution? My son bought me a puppy! At first I was worried about the care demands of this animal, but soon Mr. Max Schanuzer became a beloved family member and daily walks with him around our neighborhood my window to renewed energy and life!

It wasn't always pretty, sometimes I must have looked like a scare crow: pale, skynny or swollen depending on the day, week or month of treatment, no hair or "duckling-peach-fuzz", frail, slow or limping, many, many  times ridiculously dressed for the weather (either too cold or too hot not necessarily following the seasons) but always and forever grateful for my happy go lucky dog, walking me around, making me laugh and motivating me to go on and participate in life through exercise. It was something neither mixed connective tissue disease or cancer would not take from me and better than sitting in front of the couch, watching TV and everything I could "not" do.

Dogs aren't for everyone but if you take a matter of fact, unashamed look at your habits, it will be easier to stay open to the idea of changing them for the better, even if you've tried and failed in the past. We put ourselves in harm's way by our personal behaviours and habits such as, smoking, overeating, drinking too much alchohol or caffeine, exercising too little or not at all and undergoing too much "stress by choice".

If your body is ill, it is in crisis!  Changes you make, changes you can make, may help it more than anything a doctor does. New approaches to making personal changes in our lives, whatever they need to be for us individually and new avenues for getting emotional, psychological and financial support emerge continually. One may help you. Never give up your search. Hope matters!

LAUGH!

What feels better than laughing? The potent medicine of laughter wins praise in quarters as varied as the Holy Bible and the Journal of the American Medical Association. Doctors  were writing about the benefits of laughter more than a century ago! But it took magazine editor Norman Cousins to put laughter on the popular medical map. In his 1979 book Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient, Cousins described his recovery from a serious illnesswith humor's help. He had discovered that ten minutes of belly laughter gave him two hours of pain free sleep!

The practical value of laughter became a major feature of his treatment and why not? I can personally attest to how much the silly little antics of my beloved dog helped me through the darkest of days both emotionally and physically when recovering from major intra-abdominal surgery (pelvic reconstruction) the physical pain was non responsive to pain medication and the only choice I was given was a morphine pump. I refused the morphine pump and I know I made it through those dark days with laughter, courtesy of Mr. Max Schnauzer. Today getting patients to laugh is part of medical programs ranging from pediatric wards to hospices.

FIND SOME HEROES

Human history shines with individuals who have prevailed through awful illnesses. From the 16th Century Spanish mystic Teresa of Avila to modern day British physicist Stephen Hawking, people have managed astonishing achievements despite severe illness and/or dissability. I found supreme inspiraton in Christopher Reeves, the handsome actor best known for his role in the Superman movies. Reeve's fall from a horse during a 1995 riding competition broke his neck and paralyzed him. It did not, however, impair his courage, initiative  or creativity.

Christopher Reeves started a foundation to fund research into spinal chord injuries, and traveled the world to promote the cause. He continued to write, direct and even act! He authoted books about his life and won a Grammy award for recording one of them. He remained a caring, husband and father with a loving wife and three children by his side to care for. He did all this while in a wheelchair and on a ventilator, paralyzed!

Many chronic illnesses, especially mental and emotional ones, still carry a stigma, no matter what that illness may be or why it affects you or someone you love. Anxiety, depression and post traumatic stress disorder after diagnosis, during treatment or as a survivor of a life altering, life threatening medical condition is very common. No matter what, you deserve non-judgmental support from healthcare providers, family, friends and colleagues. You may have to help them up a learning curve. But you should not put up with being ashamed and should never shame yourself for your illness and emotional and psychological complications of living with a chronic health condition.

Life is full of journeys that we don't plan, and even the difficult ones have a high road worth seeking. Don't get discouraged if you take the wrong turn every now and then. Bad experiences are part of life as well as good ones. And resist any efforts to hurry or pressure you into making health care decisions, even if they seem urgent at the time. Remember that YOU lead your personal journey, at your pace, one step at a time.

FIND US ON FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/sjccfthynet